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The Urban Pimp

11/15/2005

Overheard in The Pimpmobile

Filed under: General, Islam: A reasonable faith — urban pimp @ 6:41 am

We hired a new girl (sb_) a few days ago. During the interview, we discovered that she was a Muslim and spoke “like you know, 5 or 6 languages”.
The the other day I take her and c_ on a call out in the ‘burbs. Not being able to shut up ( she was totally coked up), sb_ reminds me that ” I’m a Muslim and a drug dealer and my father owns the Mafia and I’m a total Ho ‘cause it beats taking blood money from my dad”.
So she continues “so uP_, what are you? Greek? Italian? Arabic?”
c_, not knowing when to shut up, tells the Muslim that I am a Jew. And the Muslim starts to criticize the “Jewish Government” and its treatment of the poor Palestinians. And when she finally shuts up to grab a breath, I interject “which Jewish Government are you referring to the one that runs Israel or the one that runs The United States?”

Postscript: After the two girls return to the car, sb_ removes a pepperoni stick from her purse and starts both fellating and chewing on it, all the while swallowing whatever has been chewed off.
“So, you are a Muslim?” I ask.
“Yes”, replies sb_.
“Then why are you eating that pepperoni stick?”
“Why not?”
“Pepperroni is made with pork”.
At 140 km/h (90 mph), sb_ opens the car window and starts to hurl.

Hehehe…... I love it when people are ignorant of thier own religion.

9/18/2005

Everybody must get stoned

Filed under: General — urban pimp @ 3:44 am

While n_ was counting her money, The Urban Pimp commented on what a great night she had. “Not bad, you did 6 calls” Looking at her money, n_ was confused. “But, I have less than $400”, she said, somewhat dismayed. “What did I do with the rest of the money?”
Don’t feel bad for n. She was not missing any money. She only did 3 calls. She just thought she did 6 calls.
Remember kids, when you smoke pot, your memory gets shot. And you will believe just about anything.

8/23/2005

Should have douched with Coca-Cola

Filed under: General — urban pimp @ 4:50 am

Two valuable members of The Urban Pimp’s entourage have recently started to plump out. Not getting fat, but rather, their breasts seemed to be getting larger every day. Eventually, the truth reared its ugly head. Both girls were pregnant.
Girl No 1 is on her way to getting an abortion. But, since punctuality is not a hallmark of her character, she keeps missing the appointment. Moreover, with nothing else to do that day, she exchanges the abortion money for coke, lots of coke from her Islamic drug dealing boyfriend. Thus, an endless cycle perpetuates itself and she cannot afford the abortion. Quite upset, she asks The Urban Pimp, ” Why do I have to pay for the abortion anyways? The 3rd time should be free!”
Girl No 2 is torn between common sense and her Catholic heritage. “But, I would make a great mom”, she proclaims as she pops some speed followed by a swig of her rum & coke.

8/9/2005

Nagasaki remembers its atomic fate

Filed under: General — site admin @ 3:48 pm

Nagasaki, the last city to be attacked with an atomic bomb marked the 60th anniversary of its devastation today.
The Urban Pimp, in the spirit of the moment, would like to share this song with his readers.

Related link

8/6/2005

You Suck

Filed under: General — urban pimp @ 10:43 pm

“You suck! You suck!” yelled the little asian escort in anger at The Urban Pimp the other day.

“No sweatheart, you suck. In fact, if you were more proficient at sucking, then perhaps you would have clients calling you back.”

7/29/2005

Red lipstick

Filed under: General — site admin @ 3:14 pm

“Does this red lipstick make me look older?”
“No” responds The Urban Pimp. “The lines around your eyes and mouth make you look old.” “Of course not, the lipstick looks great and you look 32 23.

7/28/2005

Sitting

Filed under: General — site admin @ 2:53 am

It is absolutely incredible how many people do not secure thier wireless internet connection. This laptop is great. Sitting in a Tim Horton’s parking lot, in the beautiful town of Brossard, waiting for two of his most valuable employees to finnish a call, The Urban Pimp can post to his blog. Technology, you gotta love it.

My New Toy

Filed under: General — site admin @ 2:46 am

Hoooray !! The Urban Pimp just got a new laptop today, complete with built in wireless internet.

7/27/2005

The Return of The Urban Pimp

Filed under: General — urban pimp @ 3:34 am

The Urban Pimp has been on a literary hiatus for some time now, but he is now back. A lot has happened since the last post and it makes for an interesting read (sure, right).
Anyways, stay tuned for more adventures of The Urban Pimp.

6/10/2005

Under Renovation

Filed under: General — site admin @ 1:26 am

Please excuse our appearance as we redecorate…

5/23/2005

‘CLARK KENT’ A SUPERPIMP

Filed under: General — site admin @ 6:03 pm

Super Pimp:A chiseled, glasses-wearing banker nicknamed “Clark Kent” for his hunky good looks was the secret partner in an alleged downtown brothel, setting up its credit-card accounts and later taking the reins of the multimillion-dollar operation, The Post has learned.

But Brooklyn-born banker Clark Krimer wasn’t busted when cops raided the posh, Moroccan-style harem run by accused pimp Jason Itzler. Two sources familiar with the place said Krimer has agreed to testify against his flamboyant ex-boss.

“He got away like a ghost,” the jailed Itzler said of Krimer, his 27-year-old protégé at the sex joint called NY Confidential, in an interview at Rikers Island.

“He wasn’t there when the cops came, and nobody told on him.”

Itzler accuses Krimer, a well-dressed, muscle-bound presence at the cathouse, of bringing drugs there and swiping as much as half a million dollars.

“Clark was in charge of the money and just stashed it somewhere,” said a former escort who asked not to be identified. “He was a nice guy in the beginning. Then he turned into a really big a———.”

Said Itzler: “He did all the finances, dropped off cash at the bank, scheduled the girls. He even slept over at the place every night. He totally ran NY Confidential for the last six months.”

Itzler’s lawyer, Paul Bergrin, said he’s preparing a suit to get back the allegedly pilfered proceeds.

“Jason plans to take legal action against Clark for embezzlement in excess of $500,000,” Bergrin said.

Krimer could not be reached for comment.

But he has hired criminal-defense lawyer D. Andrew Marshall, who said, “I can neither corroborate or deny anything.”

Krimer got drawn into the business last summer after Itzler went to a branch of Independence Community Bank a block from the plush brothel on Worth Street to ask about setting up credit-card accounts for “my legal escort agency,” Itzler said.

A bank officer introduced him to Krimer, who handled merchant services at another branch.

Krimer was soon leading a double life, working at Independence by day and overseeing up to 100 leggy escorts by night, Itzler and others said.

Ron Sperling, a TV producer who taped a reality show inside NY Confidential, said Krimer told him he was cooperating with prosecutors.

Unemployed offered brothel discount

Filed under: General — site admin @ 5:54 pm

Unemployed offered brothel discount
Germans on the dole are being offered a 20 per cent discount at brothels.

People looking for the discount sex just need to show their unemployment benefit card to qualify for the reductions.

Brothel manager Silvia Rau who runs the Villa Bijou bar in Dresden said that the previous average number of 150 guests per week has sunk to 80 in recent months.

She hopes that the new policy will bring back the customers and also provide them with some comfort in “difficult times”.

According to Rau, the initiative came from the prostitutes’ union, who proposed the discount measure as a way of helping the long-term jobless out of their depression.

5/16/2005

Home For The Elderly Opens A Brothel

Filed under: General — site admin @ 11:16 pm

Home For The Elderly Opens A Brothel
How bizarre, a residential home in the Netherlands is set to open a room for sexually frustrated OAPs.

The Zierikzee home for the elderly is set to open what it has called a “bounce room” which will provide guests with a double bed, a fireplace and a bottle of wine.

The room, which will be opened next month, for old people needing some much needed privacy, according social worker Corma van der Vlugt.
She explained: “Intimacy with a partner can be difficult in residential homes, and it’s important for older people to have a normal sex life.”

The room has already been booked by an 80-yer-old woman and her husband, although couples do not have to be married and single residents will be allowed to invite prostitutes.

Story courtesy of Montreal Darlings.

Revenge escort listings earn community service

Filed under: General — site admin @ 11:00 pm

ABC NEWS ONLINE:The Darwin Magistrates Court has been told two women became highly distressed after their names were placed in the escort section of a local newspaper.

Shirley Irene Wright pleaded guilty to two counts of causing a substantial annoyance, after placing ads for the 72- and 56-year-old women without their knowledge.

The ads contained the phrases “Devil after Midnight” and “Erotic Fantasies”.

One victim received 63 inquiries and was forced to unplug her telephone.

The court heard 52-year-old Wright placed the ads as retribution against her former work colleagues after her relationship with the pair soured.

Wright was ordered to conduct 160 hours community work.

Tip of the hat to my friends at montrealescortlists.com for this story.

4/26/2005

Pole dancing sheds sleaze tag

Filed under: General — urban pimp @ 3:14 pm

Silver disco balls spin red lip-shaped lights around the room and Britney Spears’ “Oops I did it again” blares as Debbie gives herself a cheeky slap on the left buttock.

In school uniform, suspenders and high heels, she struts confidently around the pole, hooks her leg around it and swings to the ground before rippling back up. Flicking her long hair aside, she pauses to glance over her shoulder at the audience.

But contrary to appearances, Debbie is no pole pro. She’s a 42-year-old married banker in London who has just completed a six-week beginners’ course in pole dancing at My Pole Dance School in London.

She is one of growing numbers of urban British women — from bankers and accountants to charity workers and housewives — who are using poles to get fit and get sexy.

Gyms and pole dancing schools are reporting a huge surge in enrolment, supposedly inspired by model Kate Moss’s sultry pole performance in the recent pop video by White Stripes and the film “Closer”, in which Natalie Portman plays a stripper.

“It brings out the raunchy side in everyone,” says fellow pole apprentice Sam, 29, who works in children’s TV by day and frequents fetish clubs by night, a pastime hinted at by her six inch perspex and PVC heels.

“It’s a way for people to put the spice back into their marriages,” she added. “Unlike an aerobics class, this is something you can take back and share with your man.”

SEEDY OR JUST SEXY?

Gone are the days when pole dancing was seen as the preserve of the sleaze industry, an activity performed by over-made up doll-like women before leering men in dingy strip joints.

Well, almost gone.

“My husband was a bit shocked to start with. He thought I was going through a life change,” said Debbie, who was desperate to keep her secret from her banking colleagues. “I’d hate them to find out. It has a real stigma (but) if you do it, you realise it’s fun and not seedy.

Professional stripper Maxxx Dobroslavic says women in Britain are discovering a new freedom in themselves, becoming more aware of their bodies and experimental with their sexuality.

“Women are wishing to have fun expressing their sexuality. Pole and lap dancing, striptease is all very much a part of that.”

Stripping and dancing also make women feel more confident and that extends to other areas of their lives, said Maxxx, winner of the 2001 UK Pole Dancing Competition.

Hard-core feminists may disagree.

“If you come from a secure economic background and you’ve got education then it isn’t such a big thing to play with sex tourism. If you don’t have these your status is very different,” said Paula Black, a sociology lecturer at Sussex University.

The latest craze in erotic dancing doesn’t change the way men look at women’s bodies as sexual objects and puts pressure on women to achieve in yet another area, she said.

“It’s not always about throwing off inhibitions. It’s almost like we see sex as a hobby. It’s something we have to get right.”

BOOMING DEMAND

But judging by the popularity of pole dancing classes and the euphoric atmosphere in the classroom, it seems women are brushing off negative perceptions around the activity.

Such is the demand for lessons that self-taught dancer Vanessa Lam is giving up her full-time day job as an accountant to devote herself to the pole dancing business she and her sister Fiona, a policewoman, set up.

In just three years, My Pole Dance School has expanded from classes in a poky room in southeast London to a business with “schools” catering to individuals, hen parties and birthday groups held in night clubs in eight cities around England.

Jumping on the trend, gyms and companies like lastminute.com and Activity Superstore, offering lifestyle experiences, are signing up with My Pole.

Some department stores have brought in pole dancers to spice up the shopping experience.

At the start of the six-week course, the women are timid and self-conscious. By the end, they are ordering poles to install at home, snapping up the skimpy outfits sold in packets so small they look like they are for tights, and signing up for the intermediate course.

Some are even talking of going professional.

Sara, 36, sporting hot pants, a bustier and black boots, teaches yoga and fitness but now wants to expand to pole dancing, teaming up with Luciana, 32, whom she met on the course.

Long after the end of the class, the two keep practising their dance routines, videoing each other on their mobiles for their partners at home.

“When you watch it done professionally it’s an art, it’s beautiful to watch. It’s like gymnastics on a pole,” said Sara.

Some more adventurous men are even taking part. On a recent Saturday, Michael, a former dancer, booked a session with My Pole to celebrate his 36th birthday with a group of 10 friends.

“It’s acceptably sleazy. It gives women a chance to bring the slutty side out that they don’t get to normally and men the girlie side,” said TV producer Barry before slithering down the pole to hoots of laughter from Michael and his friends.

4/11/2005

Filed under: General — urban pimp @ 7:14 pm

Jagger furious after daughter considers Playboy offer

Filed under: General — urban pimp @ 7:13 pm

Mick Jagger is reportedly furious after his daughter revealed she was “seriously considering” an offer to strip for Playboy.
The Rolling Stones frontman is said to have erupted in a rage after catwalk babe Elizabeth admitted she was contemplating a £200,000 deal to bare all for the raunchy magazine. (more…)

2/9/2005

It’s About Time

Filed under: General, Busted — urban pimp @ 2:16 pm

Man gets 12 years for importing prostitute
By Haaretz Staff

The Haifa District Court yesterday sentenced a man who brought a Moldavian woman to the country and sold her into prostitution to 12 years in prison and two years probation.
Mordechai Reuvenov was found guilty of human trafficking and coercing a woman to engage in prostitution. He has previously been sentenced to nine years on similar offenses, and will serve a total of 13 years in prison. A man and woman who bought the Moldovan woman have been sentenced in a separate case.

Reuvenov denied selling the woman, but the court said that the charges were proven beyond a reasonable doubt. “We are certain the defendant was involved in human trafficking – taking advantage of a woman in distress to turn a profit,” the court said.

The court said, “The legislator sees the sale of a human being as a blow to his dignity, as a person becomes an object and is analogous to a slave …. The reality of life for women who work as prostitutes is equivalent to ongoing rape.

“We are of the opinion that in the chain of traffickers, the punishments for those who import people must be severe.”

2/5/2005

Saturday night and nobody wants to work

Filed under: General — urban pimp @ 8:36 pm

Sort of reminds me of that old song…. “walking down Canal street,
knocking on each door, goddamm sonofabitch couldn’t find a whore….”

2/4/2005

High-roller stays home as escort accused over theft

Filed under: General, Busted — urban pimp @ 2:06 pm

(more…)

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